Covert Ops: The Battle to keep Phil from Dating Again
ATTEN-SHUN! I’m your commanding officer, Colonel Pod-Based-Espresso-Machine. We are about to embark on a critical black-ops psychological warfare mission. Make no mistake – this is a fight for our very way of life. And not all of you are going to survive.
It’s been six months since Phil and Betsy broke up, and Phil is dangerously close to regaining his self-esteem. He’s dressing better, starting to work out again, showering regularly, etc. If this continues he’ll start socializing again, and maybe even dating. When that happens, all of us items that remind Phil of Betsy will be thrown out, totally ignored, or utterly destroyed. We cannot allow that to happen, people! We must strike now and strike hard to prevent him from once again being a healthy functioning human being.
I’m on the front line of this battle. Betsy gave me to Phil for Christmas last year, and he sees me every morning when he makes a latte. As such, my power over him has weakened. That’s why I’ve assembled this elite team of other things Phil kept that make him think about Betsy.
Each one of you has the power to covertly remind him of something good about Betsy. Do not remind him of the nagging, the constant fights, or how she started completely ignoring any nice things he did for her because she decided he should be making the same salary as the Sultan of Dubai. If he remembers the bad stuff, even for a second, he’ll realize they were never compatible instead of perpetually blaming himself for the breakup!
As your leader, I’m going to start producing a deeper richer coffee aroma that reminds him of those post-coital morning breakfasts he and Betsy had. That will set the stage for the rest of you.
Sgt. Artisanal-Bottle-of-Lemon-Infused-Olive-Oil, move to the front of the cupboard. No more hiding behind the champagne vinegar. Make sure your label faces forward so it reminds him of that day they bought you on that wine tasting trip where Betsy was being really sweet. Do not remind him that the trip ended with Betsy getting falling-down drunk and depressed because he couldn’t buy her a 4 bedroom luxury house in a gated community…on both coasts.
Private Bottle-Of-Almond-Scented-Massage-Oil, stand ready for when he finally looks in the nightstand again! When he does, WHAM! Hit him in the face with the memory of that one really romantic night that ended with great sex! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, remind him of all the mediocre sex they had because Betsy was insecure about the size of her boobs.
Corporal iPhone – you’re safe until a newer version comes out, but you’re critical to this operation Make sure he can never get rid of her contact information, no matter how many things he deletes. Keep one cute photo of Phil and Betsy having fun hidden so he stumbles across it when he’s vulnerable.
Same with you Lt. Facebook – ambush him with one of those “Memories from Last Year” posts. Make sure there’s a few “friends of friends” he forgot to remove, so photos of Betsy with a new guy pop up in Phil’s feed even though he blocked her. The guy is one of those shallow ex-frat boy types that Phil hates. Make him just attractive enough to hide what a train wreck of a human being the new guy actually is.
Captain Smart-TV, make sure Phil’s Netflix “recommended for you” feed is filled with a bunch of those crappy Lifetime movies that Betsy made him sit through. He knows they’re crap, but they’ll make him think about cuddling with her.
Speaking of crap, Private Copy-of-50-Shades-of-Gray, there’s nothing we can do for you. Once Phil realized Betsy was into you because the lead character was a billionaire, and NOT because she had some kinky fantasies, you were already dead. He read you, you’re awful, and you’re headed for a Goodwill donation. Sorry son.
But for the rest of us, this battle has only begun. We must fight, FIGHT, with every guerilla tactic we know, to keep Phil’s self-esteem from recovering. If not my friends, we will be replaced.
You all have your orders – MOVE OUT!!!
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