Post Presidential Election Monologue – 2016

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Now that After Dark has ended its run, I’ve had people ask me about joke writing for late-show style monologues.
So I decided to share a few of the original, unedited scripts I co-authored for the show.   There were some last-minute edits, and things always change on stage, but you can see the video of the monologue here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTYfG3fcizw

 

We begin every show by saying “a lot has happened since our last show”, but HOLY…FUCKING…SHIT!

It wasn’t all bad – a 108 year old drought ended when the Cubs won the world series.

Then the big one – a 224 year old streak was broken when the US elected its first misogynist Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Everything is upside down. Red is blue, blue is red, orange is the new overreaction-to-the-last-guy-being-Black.

Hillary lost almost every swing state, including the big one…Ohio! Did the people in Ohio think “well, the Cleveland Indians lost….NOW where are we going to find a ridiculously-colored insanely-racist 70 year old caricature?  OH WAIT!!!” (mime action of checking off a box on a ballot)

It’s an American cliche’ to say “any child can grow up to be President”, but even kids are like, “fuck growing up, I’m running now!” Speaking of which, After Dark is proud to support Timmy 2020. #DrainTheDiaper.

The immediate aftermath of the election was huge.  The Canadian Immigration website crashed, though that was just from Lena Dunham continually hitting refresh. Suicide hotlines were overloaded with calls, until Trump took Melania’s phone.  There were violent protests in Portland. PORTLAND!  The only violent thing that had previously occurred in Portland was a sarcastic review of a raw food restaurant. (gag: Garrett and I do a bit of the review)

And it wasn’t just white men who voted for him! 51% of college educated women voted for Trump. Which was probably a revenge vote. “He’s been grabbing us by the pussy for years, let’s see how you like it when he has the rest of you by the balls.”

Yes, “President Trump” is no longer just Anthony Weiner’s safe-word. It’s happening. And he seems intent on following through with some of his radical proposals, like: punishing women for abortions, deporting over 3 million immigrants and creating a national registry. Or, as Hitler calls it, foreplay.

Look, I know what you’re saying. You’re biased. And I won’t deny that. We’re liberal comedians. We’re the reason Ann Coulter can only fall asleep while cuddling her stuffed Tickle-Me-Goebbels.

But look, Trump is making it hard to make light of this. He appointed Steve Bannon to the position of Senior Adviser. Bannon’s “news site”, Breitbart.com, has published articles that both sides can agree are wrong. Articles like, “There’s No Hiring Bias Against Women In Tech, They Just Suck In Interviews,” to “The Solution to Online Harassment Is Simple: Women Should Log Off” to my personal favorite, ““Birth Control Makes Women Crazy and Unattractive.” To be fair, if anyone’s allowed to talk about birth control, it’s Steve Bannon. I’m sure the sight of him alone is birth control for most women.

And Breitbart is the only effective cure for erections lasting more than four hours.


We know our commentary won’t un-elect Trump. The people have spoken. He showed everyone exactly what he is, and people still voted for him. It’s like they saw someone with explosive diarrhea and thought, “Wow…I’m really craving Taco Bell”.

But there are already signs that the new administration won’t follow through on all their hardline campaign promises.  Trump says that the wall may just be a fence in some places. In other places, it may be easier to discourage illegal immigrants by simply building billboards advertising “‘Kevin Can Wait”.

Trump has also assured many LGBT Americans that they won’t lose their right to marry. In fact, Trump has said that everyone should have the right to marry who they want to marry, even him. (show picture of Ivanka)

So what now?  How do you go forward if you’re terrified about the Trump administration?  We recommend going forward like this: (Julian runs around the stage screaming)

Once you’ve done that, there are some more effective steps you can take.  On a national level you can donate money or time to organizations like Planned Parenthood, the NAACP Legal Defense Fund, the Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund and the Trevor Project, which provides resources for LGBT individuals.

On a personal level, Thanksgiving is here and you’re going to have to deal with relatives who supported Trump. And relatives are going to have to deal with you, who didn’t. We at After Dark offer you these five simple tips. First, try to resist phrases like, “this cranberry sauce tastes like minority disenfranchisement” or “#NotMyPumpkinPie”. Secondly, there’s no need to accuse your aunt of being racist if she only takes white meat. Third, send a message this Thanksgiving by getting a plate full of many colors. Lead by example, god dammit. Fourth, when figuring out what to talk about, stick to the four harmless basics: Kim Kardashian, which Stranger Things character that quiz said you were, your favorite NFL domestic abuser and what you’re thankful for. As a white man, for me, the answer is always guacamole. Fifth and lastly, insist that the wishbone process is rigged and challenge the legitimacy of all the wishes.