Monologue Jokes – the Motherlode

Here’s a massive pile of jokes written for the opening monologues of “After Dark” – these were all used in the show, and I’ve gotten rid of most of the time-specific jokes (there’s still a few in there…but seriously, who wants t relive two years of jokes leading up to the 2016 presidential election).  I may add more as I cull the archives.

One year after opening, Britain’s National Sperm bank has admitted it only has nine donors, or roughly 3 times the genetic diversity of the royal family.

A Chicago man sent 2 photos of his genitals to an HR manager who had just given him a conditional offer of employment.  Apparently, he misunderstood the conditions.

A team of three researchers at the university of cologne released a study showing that women were less likely than men to kill Adolph Hitler if they had the ability to travel back in time.  A rival study shows why researchers from Cologne never get invited to dinner parties.

Paris, the City of Lights, is suffering a severe baguette shortage because the Paris Prefect stopped regulating when bakers can take vacations, and nearly 2/3 of them have closed at the same time. The prefecture immediately issued strict vacation regulations for makers of berets and striped shirts so Paris won’t face a a complete cliche’ collapse.

Traffic was jammed in Oakland this week when a chicken was spotted wandering between cars at the Bay Bridge Toll plaza. To prevent future snarls, the chicken has been fitted with a FastTrak transponder.

In his latest show of masculinity, Russian President Vladimir Putin descended almost 300 feet underwater in a glass bubble mini-sub to view a 1000 year old sunken merchant vessel.  No word on whether he visited any of his former political rivals while on the dive.

Chinese police are investigating two distillers for adding Viagra to their liquor.  The distillers say it was an honest attempt to address all possibilities when bar patrons ordered a stiff one.

Netflix announced it will start giving its employees unlimited paternal leave for the first full year after a child’s birth or adoption.  After the first year maternity leave will be available for $24.99 a month with an annual subscription.

A massive denial of service attack on the East Coast shut down access to multiple sites including Twitter and Reddit. Users of those services were temporarily reduced to insulting people face-to-face.

A Christian homeless shelter in California was forced to relocate after complaints from the Central Presbyterian Church across the street. The Presbyterian Church said their congregation was deeply offended by the homeless shelter’s blatant displays of actual Christianity.

Pennsylvania State police  charged an Amish man with driving his buggy drunk as two of his four passengers rode on the roof.  The buggy driver was apprehended after a low-speed chase.

Panda Express is introducing a new hybrid fork \ chopstick utensil they’re calling a “chork”.  They’ll announce the new utensil this fall with their new slogan “Panda Express: Where General Tso goes to chork his chicken.”

A car full of armed men in body armor sitting in the parking lot of a Kentucky Walmart told alarmed police that they were just preparing for Doomsday.  Police defused the situation by explaining they weren’t witnessing the apocalypse, just a Kentucky Walmart.

PornHub saw a %204 increase in searches for “Muslim porn” from Cleveland during the RNC. Republicans say it’s just one more example of Muslims inspiring mass shootings.

Pokemon GO players are finding more than just adorable little virtual creatures – players have uncovered drug deals, in-progress robberies and at least 2 dead bodies.  As of yet though, no Pokemon player has found a chance of getting laid.

A Burger King in Helsinki, Finland has opened a spa inside the fast food restaurant.  They’ve also changed the lyrics of their classic jingle to “Hold the Pickle, Hold the lettuce, happy endings won’t upset us.”

The FBI just announced fewer Americans are going off to join ISIS. Many still want to destroy America, but they can do it faster and easier by voting Republican.

North Carolina’s new anti-LGBT law has created a new enemy – porn site has blocked access to anyone in the state.  Not all companies are against the law, as it has created a %6000 increase in subscriptions to National Geographic.

A Russian fighter jet ignored repeated warnings from a US Battleship, they proceeded to do a “fly by” getting as close as 30 feet to the destroyer. U.S. fighter pilots were slow to respond as all pilots were playing shirtless volleyball with Maverick and Goose.

Sarah Palin claimed she’s “as much a scientist” as Bill Nye – who is an actual scientist — during a speech she gave in Washington, D.C. about climate change. When asked what made her a scientists she said “I can see protons from my house!”

An Octopus named “Inky” escaped a New Zealand aquarium by slipping through a small drain pipe. Aquarium employees were baffled by the escape until they looked behind Inky’s poster of Raquel Welch.

PBS aired the series finale of “Downton Abbey” this week.  Viewers said a wistful farewell to the Crowley family and their last reason to continue watching PBS.

A seller on Etsy is offering candles with Disneyland inspired scents.  Some of the scents being offered are “Haunted Mansion”, “Churros”, and “Sweaty 5 year old wetting his pants when Goofy scares the crap out of him”.

Venezuela-based channel Desnudando La Noticias will begin airing televised “Naked Language” lessons featuring nude teachers.  Viewers of the program will receive a certificate of completion for the course as long as they can prove they took more than five minutes to finish., the web domain of homophobic Open Door Baptist Church of Easley South Carolina, was snatched up by an activist when they forgot to renew the domain, and now redirects to a gay porn website, making this the first known case of “dick-rolling”.

A South African mother pleaded guilty to trying to sell her baby online for $346. She said she didn’t want to sell her child, she just got really caught up in Cyber Monday sales.

After Beijing’s recent “red alert” for extremely heavy smog, condom sales have gone through the roof. Buyers say they felt compelled to have sex after seeing an atmosphere that’s 50 Shades of Gray.

Charles Williams, the found of the Williams-Sonoma Gourmet cookware stores, died at age 100.  He will be laid to rest in an expensive cerulean-blue French ceramic mausoleum.

An Ohio woman was arrested after leading police on a 30 mile high-speed chase when she was pulled over for eating cereal while driving.  Charges were dropped after lawyers proved authorities were only after her Lucky Charms.

Pizza Hut introduced a tri-level box for the holidays. The box includes 2 pizzas, a giant cookie, and a piece of paper for you to list all the reasons you hate yourself.

Bloomingdale’s came under fire for an ad featuring a man and a woman that said “spike your friends drink when they’re not looking.”  Bloomingdale’s has apologized and said they will no longer print ads designed by Bill Cosby.

Groupon sent out an offer for $9.99 clip-on man-buns.  They say they’ll be following it up with an offer for a $19.99 home castration kit.

An Anchorage Alaska Subway was destroyed by a naked woman who was high on synthetic cannabis. She broke chairs and ripped out ceiling tiles – only the restroom was
spared since it had already been destroyed by anyone eating anything at Subway.

Augustus Sol Invictus, a US Senate candidate from Florida, admitted that he once killed a goat and drank it’s blood as part of a pagan ritual, making him the least scary candidate to come out of Florida.

The New Horizons spacecraft has started taking high-res photos Pluto. Several surprising discoveries been discovred on the surface including mountains over 11,000 feet tall,  signs of recent geological activity, and only 2 Starbucks.

Some McDonald’s customers say that a new Minion toy recently added to the Happy Meals curses.  Some customers say they’ve heard the words “what the fuck” from the toy, but McDonald’s assures people that those words are coming from their children when they hand them a Happy Meal

Taco Bell has partnered with delivery company Door dash to begin delivery service for for the Mexican fast food chain.  No longer will you run for the border – the border will bring the runs to you.

New York’s consumer chief said an investigation found that Whole Foods has been routinely overcharging people by overstating the weight of meat, dairy and baked goods.  Consumers were relieved because they thought they were being overcharged for absolutely no reason at all.