Happy 2017! Looking Ahead to a New Year Monologue

Now that After Dark has ended its run, I’ve had people ask me about joke writing for late-show style monologues.
So I decided to share a few of the original, unedited scripts I co-authored for the show.   There were some last-minute edits, and things always change on stage, but you can see the video of the monologue here:


Well, another year is almost at end, and as we look back, all we can say is “what the serious fuck 2016?!”

Meteorologists have confirmed that 2016 has been The. Single. Biggest. Asshole of a year in recorded history.  An unprecedented number of great talents were lost, including Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, Florence Henderson, Gene Wilder, Muhammed Ali, Garry Marshall,Alan Thicke. And most depressing of all, Gary Busey still clings to life.

The United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union with Brexit.  The United States voted to leave sanity with Trump. Brad and Angelina broke up. Ryan Reynolds and Winona Ryder were both nominated for a Golden Globe…FOR ACTING!  We heard rumors that God scheduled the Apocalypse for this New Year’s Eve, but cancelled it because he hates being overshadowed by an opening act.

We’ve still got two weeks left, and I don’t even know if we’re out of the woods yet. It feels like this year will never stop producing one disaster after another. 2016 has become like the Fast and Furious franchise. Seriously, what’s next? Trump nominates Guy Fieri to Secretary of Flavor Town? The Stranger Things kids reveal they’re really just creepy midgets? Another 90’s sitcom Dad reveals he also did some really creepy shit? “Carl Winslow – Kingpin of Urkel-porn ?!” I just can’t take it!

The worst part is that everyone feels that fear. And just when we need a leader to step forward and say, “I got this, chill the fuck out, we’re going to be alright,” we get a pussy-grabbing Lord Voldemort. Or, as we like to call him, a SPAM folder with a comb-over. Can you imagine if Presidents had acted like Trump in the face of adversity. If Pearl Harbor capped off a crappy 1941 and FDR tweeted, “Is it just me or did Clark Gable’s new talkie really shit the bed? Waste of talent – SAD!”

Well, that’s where we come in! We at After Dark know that everyone is afraid but we’re here to say, “we got this, chill the fuck out everyone, we’re going to be alright.” 2017 is our year! We’re like those teenagers in the 90s who spent the summer losing weight and then showed up to the first day of school wearing a sweet puka shell necklace . We’re ready to fuck! Who here wants to fuck?!

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and for every bad thing that happens something great follows. The sexually-repressed 50’s were followed by the free-love 60’s.  Bush was followed by Obama. Two and a Half Men was followed by the cancellation of Two and a Half Men.

2017 is going to be the greatest year ever! You’re going to get that job, you’re going to go on that perfect first date, we’re all going to come to terms with the fact that Westworld doesn’t live up to the hype!

And here’s a few of our other predictions of great things that will happen 2017:

After inauguration, Trump decides to take his first intelligence briefing and his head immediately explodes.

Mike Pence  takes the oath of office but we find out that he’s been moonlighting as a leather daddy in an Indiana brothel. Turns out that he’s a fan of a different

We find out that this entire time, Kim Jong-Un was actually Daniel Day Lewis preparing for his next role.

Disney decides to not release the 50th god damn installment of another Marvel movie, They And instead try out a totally original idea. But halfway through the process, they give up and just make a Snow White sequel, “The Eighth Dwarf: Herpe’s Revenge.”

Mel Gibson finally returns in a starring role in “What Women Don’t Want.” As it turns out, the answer is an anti-semite.

The Affleck Brothers swear off making movies that take place in New England. The world rejoices!

People stop talking about whatever the fuck cold brew is.

Universal health care becomes so widely accepted that every big mac comes with a free blood test.

We all wake up on New Year’s Day and realize the last year was just a strange collective fever dream, and it’s actually January 1st 2016.